I Just Don’t Feel Like Myself

You know the old story about the frog and the boiling pot of water right? You boil the water first and put the frog in and the frog will jump out. But if you put the frog in temped water and then heat it slowly the frog adjusts bit by bit and it doesn’t know something is wrong until he is rolling up to froggy heaven. America, I think we need a second opinion from someone who isn’t wet yet.

sistersI keep having this out-of-body experience. I will hear a name on the radio or read it on the internet, my wife even said it to me in passing once and my brain refuses to process it. Every time I hear the name “Caitlyn Jenner” I think, “Which one of the Jenner daughters are they talking about?” Then my wife will remind me that they are talking about Bruce Jenner, post sex change. Then, like alzheimer’s patient, the next time I hear “Caitlyn Jenner” (sometimes within 5 minutes from the first time) I think, “Which one of the Jenner daughters are they talking about?” My brain refuses to process this development. bearded ladyThe only way I can explain my brain categorically rejecting this change is that (being somewhat disconnected from pop media) when things like this happen I can recognize that the water has changed, but the out of body experience I feel like I’m having is that I’m watching all the other frogs acting like this is totally normal.

arnoldI have this distinct memory of 2008 when I was sitting in a waiting room and Oprah was on. Her guest was the first pregnant man in history. I was astounded. Because up until that point only  Arnold Schwarzenegger’s 1994 sci-fi comedy Junior explored that ground. I thought to myself, “I didn’t even know science was working on that.” Once Oprah explained that the pregnant “man” was really a woman who grew a beard with hormone treatments… it kind of took the magic out of it. I mean, of course a manish looking woman can get pregnant. They’ve been doing that for a while now. But I watched as this segment went on and on with people in the audience in utter shock. “How could this happen?!?” “How does HE carry the baby.” Uh… in HER uterus. “Is this the next stage of evolution?!?” What? No… a woman is pregnant. Am I the only one that sees it?

bruceThen of course there is Bruce Jenner. I can remember a time when a man who has been married multiple times to women, and was a tremendous jock being named “Woman of the Year!” that would be a funny joke. But no one is laughing. And surely an operation where a doctor would turn your penis inside out would be some kind of war crime. But if you do it to yourself, that’s not crazy, it is brave.

A buddy and I were at the gym talking about this and wondering how far people are going to be able to take this before someone puts the brakes on. In a laughing manner my friend said, “I can’t wait for someone to take this to the next level. There is money to be had.” I asked what he meant. “Well, we just need to get some pasty white male student to apply for college scholarships aimed at Female African American students. All the student has to claim is that he FEELS like he is a female African American who got the wrong body.” They reject his application, he sues and college is paid for. There is no way anyone could prove him wrong. There is no evidence. Because that is what is happening here. Science is out the window.

scienceYou remember Science, right? It used to be that everyone claimed that Christians were afraid of Science. What happened to all that Science? Everyone out there is talking about the LGBTQIA community and genetic markers. On the streets they call it “The Gay Gene.” But there is absolutely no Science to back that up. NOT ONE STUDY. There is a mountain of psychological studies that link LGBTQIA to abuse, pornography and mental illness but let’s ignore that Science because it doesn’t back up what I FEEL. The homosexual community is still trying to claim science when Transgender people are skipping that argument and simply stating, “I feel like a woman, therefore I am a woman.” And I watch all the frogs applaud because after all the other stuff that has happened this makes perfect sense. Just as long as we turn up the temperature gradually we can accept anything. If I’m 45 but feel like I have the soul of a 16 year old trapped in this body, does that mean I could have sex with teens and it not be child abuse? Does it mean that if I feel like I’m really Japanese on the inside I should be awarded citizenship?

And of course we say, “No, that is ridiculous and crazy.” But that’s what we would have said about this ten years ago. We just have to turn up the heat slowly and before the decade is out I will be legally recognized as the world’s only Unicorn. Because I FEEL like it.


Tagged with: