Our society is based on some fundamental and universally agreed social norms. There are axioms that we observe not just because they are punishable but because all right-minded, free-thinking adults see the purpose and reason behind them. I submit that the following should be included in our common-law dogma. I present to you…
The Three Hot Tub Rule:
When we as adults travel, many times we try to stay with friends and family to keep the trip economical, and also because if you have kids you know that staying in a hotel room with your small children is a few cameras short of a reality show. But every once in a while, sometimes for lack of a better option or just because we are on vacation and are looking for relaxing base of operations, we find ourselves making a reservation at a hotel.
What a glorious prospect.
King size bed! Binge-watching HGTV! Maid service! Room service! YES PLEASE! I’m going to put on that super soft, gross robe (that who knows whom did what in) and never leave this room until I join you for that free breakfast with the waffles that have the hotel logo pressed into them. Well… at some point I’m going to leave the room, because let’s face it, I packed my swim trunks.
No matter where I’m going or how long I’m staying, if a hotel is involved, I religiously pack my swimming apparel. It is basically a mandatory practice that if I’m staying in a hotel that means I’m going to use the hot tub.This is always something I look forward to with the same excitement and anticipation that the hotel pool used to inspire in me when I was nine. So as soon as we check in, I do the first sweep. It appears that I’m taking my bag to my room but really I’m frantically searching for the sign that points me to the pool. When I find it I say to no one in particular, “Oh… there’s a pool, I guess I should check it out. After all it is part of my civic duties.” So I casually (don’t run) saunter to the glassed in puddle of child germs and do the initial inspection and confirmation. Yes, there is a pool. Yes, there is a hot tub.
Then, after I have over indulged in Property Brothers and checked in with my good friends Chip and Joanna on Fixer Upper I find an excuse to go downstairs and do the “fly-by.” You walk by the pool area to confirm that no one else is using it. Check. So I hurry up, put on my trunks and smash the elevator button repeatedly trying to get downstairs fast enough to stake my claim on some damp real-estate in that incredible, hot, bubbly goodness. And of course by that time there is usually one of three people groups that have beaten me to it.
- The family – that of course has clearly exercised every last right to have children they possibly could… but it seems they can’t read. They can’t read the sign that says that pregnant women shouldn’t be in the boiling water and THE CHILDREN SHOULDN’T BE DOING CANNONBALLS INTO THE HOT TUB.
- The couple – that is totally unaware of appropriate boundaries. Sure a hot tub can be romantic, but not when I am also sitting in it with you. This couple is usually some teens who weren’t raised right or some hairy-backed dude and his wife. Awkward.
- The sports team – or youth trip… take your pick.
But when the volleyball team is staying at your hotel for a sports trip, either the parents are getting drunk in the hot tub (because they want to set a good example) or the team of teens is in the hot tub and you have to decide, “How creepy do I want to be?”
This situation is precisely why we (as a society) need the Three Hot Tub Rule. It is as follows: Each hotel/motel that desires to offer the service of one hot tub must provide in execution three hot tubs or the equivalent square footage of three hot tubs equaling no less than the average 7 1/2 ft. per tub.
Here is what this means in practicum. When I go down to use the hot tub and encounter one of the three train wrecks mentioned above (The family who can’t read good, my parents, and “the sports” travel edition) I don’t have to sit with them but I can still use a hot tub. I can choose an empty tub or a tub filled with civilized people. “Why not just two?” you ask. For the “Judgment.” You see if you were using a hot tub and I entered the room, took one look at you and moved to the other tub (of just two), there would be an air of judgment in my choice. But with three hot tubs, I’m simply taking part in the variety offered by the hotel. No judgment. I just don’t want them to go to waste. And God forbid you would encounter two of the “people” groups mentioned above at the same hotel… or maybe the parents of the year let their kids jump in hot tub #2; there is still a chance there will be a free space.
Let’s rally around this and have this rule added to the national requirements for health and safety. You’ll thank me for it.